plagued by blindness, i skim
the hem of your dress, find that
where once your nape lay smooth
against the soft rays of the sun
a harshness grows, a having to
hide what brings me to you. No,
not there, you say, so from
the smooth of your hem, I feel
your wrist, a fat watch arching
your arm like a cuff. Cold,
I say under my breath. Beautiful
you mumble to my ear. Love
where once we touched and rooted,
here in the softness of the sun
here lingers on my lips I ask:
Where are you?
2 comments:
I like how the idea of blindness is juxtaposed by some vivid thing :)
Now for evil comments - generally, the whole thing can taste better. By that I mean some parts can be rephrased to sound better.
Like this one: "the hem of your dress, find that / where once your nape lay smooth / against the soft rays of the sun / a harshness grows,"
I think it might sound better this way: " the hem of your dress, finding / where your nape used to lay smooth / against the sun, against its soft rays, / a harshness growing"
Also I don't get this part:
"a having to / hide what brings me to you"
I'm reading the "having" as a noun, but it's kinda weird. Parang I kind of get what you mean but I can't put my finger on it. :|
I also think this part could be said better:
"I feel / your wrist, a fat watch arching / your arm like a cuff."
Here is sample brimming in my head right now -
"I feel your wrist, feel / a watch, fat and arched around / your arm, cuffed."
Isa pang gusto ko dito is it's the type that makes you reread the thing upon arriving at the last line kasi the last line suddenly jars the reader with a different thought - parang all the while merong sense of familiarity (i.e., the persona is with the beloved) and then biglang poof! ay wala pala. Pero medyo malabo din to (inasmuch as I laud you for improving in presenting a DS :) ) kasi I'm not so sure again what this one is saying. Pero gusto ko talaga ung idea ng blindness juxtaposed to the images, to memory even. I'm actually asking more from this piece (but I guess that's also hinged on my obvious preference for long works ehehe)
Hope this helps! Sulat ka pa (ng English, para gets ko hahahaha)!
PS sorry if it seemed like I semi-raped this piece haha ganyan ako sa poetry class :)
*wipes forehead*
first draft yan. as in, i opened my blog and wrote that in a couple of minutes, then posted it. hehe.
but thanks Lyza! I wouldn't mind the rape part. Really. hehe :)
Post a Comment